Hand Them the Problem

“How am I supposed to do that?” makes the other side solve your constraint instead of arguing with it.

negotiation

Evidence: untested
Topic: Influence
Things to do: 3
Read: 1 min

untestedHow strong is the evidence?

Not a tested claim. A way of thinking that is useful and widely used, but that nobody has actually put to the test — so it is not dressed up as evidence here.

Chris Voss, calibrated questions
consistent with the effort-justification and perspective-taking literature

Check it yourself: find this on Google Scholar

A correction to this entry

A negotiating technique from Chris Voss. Consistent with the perspective-taking literature, but never tested as a technique in its own right.

Why it works

A refusal invites a fight. A how-question invites problem-solving, keeps them talking, and often gets you a concession they authored — which they will then defend.

What to do about it

Use open how and what. Avoid why, which sounds like an accusation in almost every language.
Say it slowly, without aggression. The tone is what separates a question from a complaint.
Follow with silence and let them work.

Where people go wrong

Using it as a rhetorical weapon. If your tone says “gotcha”, you get defensiveness instead of a solution.