Name What They're Feeling
“It seems like…” / “It sounds like…” — naming the other side's emotion defuses it and gets you information.
- Evidence
- untested
- Topic
- Influence
- Things to do
- 3
- Read
- 1 min
untestedHow strong is the evidence?
Not a tested claim. A way of thinking that is useful and widely used, but that nobody has actually put to the test — so it is not dressed up as evidence here.
- Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference (2016)
- mechanism from Lieberman et al., 2007, affect labeling
Check it yourself: find this on Google Scholar
A correction to this entry
A negotiating technique from Chris Voss. Affect labelling is a real finding with imaging evidence behind it; its use as a negotiation tactic has not been tested separately.
Why it works
An unnamed emotion runs the conversation. Named aloud by someone else, it drops in intensity, and the person almost always elaborates — which is the information you needed.
What to do about it
- Use “it seems like”, never “I understand” — which invites “no, you don't”.
- Label the negative first and explicitly: “It seems like this timeline feels unreasonable.” Getting it wrong is fine; they'll correct you, which is also information.
- Then go silent. The silence after a label is what produces the disclosure.
Where people go wrong
Labelling and then immediately talking. The pause is the technique.
Read next
- Repeat Their Last Three WordsReflecting the other person's own words back — as a question — makes them keep talking and makes them like you.shaky
- The First Number WinsThe opening offer pulls the final figure toward it — for both sides, including experts who know this.proven
- Hand Them the Problem“How am I supposed to do that?” makes the other side solve your constraint instead of arguing with it.untested
- The Seven LeversReciprocity · Commitment & consistency · Social proof · Authority · Liking · Scarcity · Unity.proven