Turn Toward the Small Bids
Couples who stayed together turned toward each other's small bids for attention 86% of the time. Those who split, 33%.
- Evidence
- shaky
- Topic
- People
- Things to do
- 3
- Read
- 1 min
shakyHow strong is the evidence?
Real, but smaller and shakier than the story you have probably heard.
- Gottman, the Love Lab apartment studies, 1990s
Check it yourself: find this on Google Scholar
A correction to this entry
Downgraded from solid. The Love Lab work is observational and comes from the same programme as the 5:1 ratio, with the same questions about how much of it was fitted after the fact.
Why it works
A bid is trivial by design — “look at this bird”. The relationship is built almost entirely out of whether these tiny approaches are met, missed, or dismissed.
What to do about it
- Notice the bid. It is usually disguised as a pointless remark and it is not pointless.
- Respond with attention, not just acknowledgement — put the phone down, look up, ask one question.
- This applies at work too: the colleague who drops by with nothing to say is making a bid.
Where people go wrong
Turning away habitually when busy. It is never one refusal that does damage; it is the rate.
Read next
- Five to OneStable relationships run about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Below that, they fail.shaky
- Multitasking Is Just SwitchingYou never do two things at once. You alternate, and every alternation is paid for.proven
- Relationships Are the Whole FindingAcross 85 years of following the same men, relationship satisfaction at 50 predicted health at 80 better than cholesterol did.proven
- How You React to Good NewsResponding to someone's good news with active, enthusiastic interest predicts relationship health better than how you respond to their bad news.solid