Turn Toward the Small Bids
Couples who stayed together turned toward each other's small bids for attention 86% of the time. Those who split, 33%.
- Evidence
- solid
- Topic
- People
- Things to do
- 3
- Read
- 1 min
solidHow strong is the evidence?
Good evidence behind it, but fewer people have checked it independently.
- Gottman, the Love Lab apartment studies, 1990s
Why it works
A bid is trivial by design — “look at this bird”. The relationship is built almost entirely out of whether these tiny approaches are met, missed, or dismissed.
What to do about it
- Notice the bid. It is usually disguised as a pointless remark and it is not pointless.
- Respond with attention, not just acknowledgement — put the phone down, look up, ask one question.
- This applies at work too: the colleague who drops by with nothing to say is making a bid.
Where people go wrong
Turning away habitually when busy. It is never one refusal that does damage; it is the rate.
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